Funny Ad Pics

Funny One Liners

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
What is the thinnest book in the world?
"What Men Know About Women"

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One ... men will screw anything.

How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.

What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.

How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
He's breathing.

What's the difference between men an government bonds?
Bonds mature.

How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up.

How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know .... it's never happened.

How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones left are handicapped.

Funny One Liner Jokes

Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Death is hereditary.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Did anyone see my lost carrier?
Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
Double your drive space. Delete Windows!
Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.
Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're told.
Get a new car for your spouse; it'll be a great trade!
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Funny Toyota Jokes

"Toyota! We Are Driven. We will stop at nothing....


Toyota announced that it is developing a car that shuts down if the driver is drunk. Immediately, rival Ford announced that "Ford drivers do not need to be drunk for their cars to shut down."

Congress may require all cars to have an override system in case the brakes fail. Toyota already has an override system in case their brakes fail:

It's called a tree.


Knock Knock
Who's there !
Toyota !
Toyota who ?
Toyata be a law against such awful jokes !

Funny Video:Guy On Treadmill

This is an incredibly stupid funny video. But funny to watch! Run buddy, run...

Funny Animal Pics

Funny One-Liners

100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Assassins do it from behind.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?
Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.

Ugly People Are Funny

Ugly people pics are funny, probably not funny if you are ugly, but i suspect if you are ugly you probably don't know.

In fact if you are ugly, everyone you hang out with is probably ugly too.

Unless you are the insecure average looking guy that hangs out with ugly friends because it's the only chance he has picking up a girl at a bar because you lack social skills.

Funny Strange Laws

In Oklahoma, dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate on private property in groups of three or more.

In Minnesota, it is illegal to cross state lines with duck on your head.

It is illegal to walk down a street in Maine with your shoelaces untied.

In Los Angeles, it is unlawful to hunt for moths under a street light.

In Pennsylvania, it is illegal for a man to purchase alcohol without written consent from his wife.

In Alaska, it is illegal to look at a moose from the window of an aircraft or another flying vehicle. It is also illegal to push a live moose out of a moving aircraft.

In Nebraska, a parent can be arrested if his or her child can’t hold a back a burp during a church service. While in Alabama it is illegal to wear a false moustache which causes laughter in church.

In Idaho, a citizen is forbidden by law to give another citizen a box of candy that weights more than 50 lbs.

In Texas it is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.

In Huntington West Virginia, it’s legal to beat your wife so long as it’s done in public on a Sunday-and on the courthouse steps.

In Ohio, women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.

In North Dakota, it is illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on.

By law, everybody in Vermont must take at least one bath a week.

A law in Kirkland, Illinois, forbids bees from flying over the town.

In Michigan, a man legally owns his wife’s hair.

More Stupid Laws--Click

Funny Chuck Norris Facts

1.Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Chuck Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.

2.Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

3.The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

4.Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

5.Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

6.Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.

7.Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

8.If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Chuck Norris banging your sister.

9.Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

10.Upon hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost his testicles to cancer, Chuck Norris donated one of his to Lance. With just one of Chuck Norris's nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour De France seven times. By the way, Chuck Norris still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a new one simply by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows for sure.

11.Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

12.The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.

13.Chuck Norris doesn't need a miracle in order to split the ocean. He just walks in and the water gets the fuck out of the way.

14.Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.

15.Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.

16.Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.

17.Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

18.Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

19.Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.

20.Chuck Norris eats the core of an apple first

Funny pick up lines

A song from your lips is an aria from heaven.

All this could be yours for one low, low price!

Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?

Are you a parking ticket? (What?) You got fine written all over you.

Are you a tamale? 'Cause you're hot.

As she's leaving....Hey aren't you forgetting something? She: What? Me!

Ask a woman for the time. "10:30? So today is January 10,1999, at 10:30 PM, thanks I just wanted to be able to remember the exact moment that I met you."

Baby did you fart, 'cause you blow me away!

Baby, if you were words on a page, you'd be what they call fine print

Baby, somebody better call God, cuz he's missing an angel!

Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet.

Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's outta business.

Baby, you're the next contestant in the game of love.

Can i get your picture to prove to all my friends that angels really do exist?

Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart.

Champaign can be tickly, and so can I.

Funny Political Cartoons About Iran's Election

Funny Strange Laws

In Illinois, the law is that a car must be driven with the steering wheel.

California law prohibits a woman from driving a car while dressed in a housecoat.

In Memphis, Tennessee, a woman is not to drive a car unless a man warns approaching motorists or pedestrians by walking in front of the car that is being driven.

In Tennessee, it is against the law to drive a car while sleeping.

In New York, it is against the law for a blind person to drive an automobile.

In West Virginia, only babies can ride in a baby carriage.

In Georgia, it is against the law to slap a man on the back or front.

A barber is not to advertise prices in the State of Georgia.

In Louisiana, a bill was introduced years ago in the State House of Representatives that fixed a ceiling on haircuts for bald men of 25 cents.

In Oklahoma, no baseball team can hit the ball over the fence or out of a ballpark.

In Rochester, Michigan, the law is that anyone bathing in public must have the bathing suit inspected by a police officer !

In Kentucky, it's the law that a person must take a bath once a year.

In Utah, birds have the right of way on any public highway.

In Ohio, one must have a license to keep a bear.

Funny Blonde Joke-The Blonde and the Shepard

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"
The shepherd, always the gentleman, replied, "Of course."
The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352."
This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably totally amazed and exclaimned, "You're right. Okay. I will keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."
The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful then the others.
When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"

Stupid Funny Facts

When Coca Cola was first produced, it was created as a “Brain Tonic”!

If you stretched out the human skin of an adult male, the skin would cover about 21 square feet!

If you were to take every blood vessel in your body, and then lay them out end to end, the line would stretch about 70,000 miles!

By the age of 60, the average human will have lost over half of his or her taste buds

After you have died, and been creamated, the average human bodys’ ashes weigh about 9 pounds!

When you squeeze your eyes shut, and you see those little lights, those are called Phosphenes.

When you squeeze your eyes shut, and you see those little lights, those are called Phosphenes.

The human kidneys work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. On any given day, the kidneys will filter about 400 gallons of blood!

The fingerprints on a koala bears are to being the same as a humans that they could easily be confused at a crime investigation.

The mask Michael Myers used in the horror flick “Halloween” was a Captain Kirk mask painted white.

The longest a chicken ever flew, on record, is thirteen seconds.

The average life span of a major league baseball is 7 pitches, and then it’s thrown away or caught by a fan.

We, Humans, are the only thing on earth that doesn’t have pigment on the palms of it’s hands.

The 3 most valuable brand names in the world are: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser. The’re listed in that order, too.

3,000 cows are slaughtered ever year to supply the NFL with enough leather for one season worth of footballs.

Termites eat twice as fast when their listening to Heavy Metal music.

With three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you get $1.19. You also get the largest amount of money in coins and still can’t make change for a dollar!

A mice and giraffes have the same amount of vertebrae, 7. A giraffe’s are spaced out farther than the mouse’s obviously.

People who are right handed live longer that left handed people by an average of 9 years!

There were problems when they tried to sell that old drink Fresca, in Mexico. In Mexico, Fresca is a slang term for lesbian!

Funny Blonde Inventions

1. The water-proof towel
2. Solar powered flashlight
3. Submarine screen door
4. A book on how to read
5. Inflatable dart board
6. A dictionary index
7. Ejector seat in a helicopter
8. Powdered water
9. Pedal-powered wheel chair
10. Water-proof tea bag

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Funny Facts About Old Men and Women

Facts About Old Men and Women
Q: Where can guys over 65 find youthful, pretty women who are interested in dating them?

A: Look in the library-------under Romantic Fiction.

Q: How can a guy cope during his wife's menopause?

A: By staying busy. If you're mechanically inclined, you can remodel the garage. When you are finished you will have a flat in which to live.

Q: How can a woman raise the heart rate of her 65+ year old spouse?

A: She should tell him she's with child.

Q: What can an older woman do for the wrinkles on her neck?

A: Don't wear a brassiere. The additional hanging "weights" will take out the wrinkles.

Q: How can older people remember where they parked their cars?

A: Use the Valet service. They have to remember where your car is.

Q: Do older people have problems storing their short term memories?

A: No, they have problems retrieving the memories from storage.

Q: Do older people have deeper sleep?

A: They do, but normally their deep sleep happens in the afternoon

Q: Where can older people find prescription eye glasses?

A: On top of their heads.

Q: What is the most often used sentence uttered by older people when they visit antique shops?

A: 'Gee, I have one of these.'
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Funny Embarrassing Stories

"A mother was taking a shower when her2 year old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so she ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that she had copies made and included one with each of their Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting that she take a closer look. Puzzled, the mother stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to her son, she had captured her reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera!"

"A woman and her sister were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As they were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if they needed any help. The woman replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." The sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and she turned beet red and walked away."

"A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear, ‘PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for ‘THUMBTACKS.’ In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: ‘DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?’

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Funny Xmas Jokes-Corny Christmas Jokes

Funny Christmas Jokes

Question and Answer Christmas Jokes

Q: What do elves learn in school?
A: The Elf-abet!

Q: What’s the most popular wine at Christmas?
A: “I don’t like sprouts” !

Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
A: Missletoe!

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.

Q: Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.

Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
A: So he can ho-ho-ho.

Q: Where do polar bears vote?
A: The North Poll.

Q: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
A: Ribbon hood.

Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter ?
A: Because it’s to far to walk.

Q: What was wrong with the boy’s brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?
A: Forty feet of track - all straight!

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Funny Myspace Pic-Smiling piggy!

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Funny Sarah Palin Videos----Pics For Myspace----Cute Pics