"Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day."
Phyllis Diller
"The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband."
Joan Rivers.
"Christmas is a race to see which gives out first - your money or your feet."
"Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven."
W.C. Fields
"I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white man would be coming into my neighborhood after dark."
Dick Gregory
"Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, He must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, Must be a pacifist. What's in that pipe that he's smoking?"
Arlo Guthrie
"Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas."
Johnny Carson.
"I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included."
Bernard Manning.
"Dear Lord, I've been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the Christmas turkey before us... a turkey which was no doubt a lively, intelligent bird... a social being... capable of actual affection... nuzzling its young with almost human- like compassion. Anyway, it's dead and we're gonna eat it. Please give our respects to its family... "
Berke Breathed "
"The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin."
Jay Leno.
"A Christmas shopper's complaint is one of long-standing."
Jay Leno.
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